Limits That Keep Love Alive: setting boundaries without cutting people off

“Boundaries” can sound like a clean solution, but real relationships are messier than a script. We start from that tension and ask a more honest question: how do we set limits in relationships without turning connection into control, and without abandoning ourselves to keep the peace?

We break down what boundaries actually are and why the term can feel weaponized. A boundary is about what I will do in response to what happens, not a way to manage someone else. That single shift helps untangle common confusion between boundaries, rules, expectations, and standards, and it opens the door to healthier communication. We also bring in an essential mental health distinction that changes everything: conflict is not the same as abuse. When we collapse those two, we either tolerate harm or refuse the relational work that conflict requires.

From there we move into interdependence, culture, and the grief that can come with growth. Cultural scripts often shape what respect looks like, and when generations acculturate differently, the mismatch can trigger people pleasing, shame, or fear of disappointing family. We talk about how to make room for your nervous system, your needs, and your values, while still holding love as something bigger than compliance. We close by inviting you to name your own generative values so you have a north star when relationships get hard.

If this resonates, subscribe, share with someone you’re in relationship with, and leave a review so more people can find these conversations.

PS: Here are the folks we referenced in the podcast: 

Erotics of Liberation: Content created by this amazing practitioner Care (they/them).who describes themself as a "light-skinned Black trans non binary abolitionist somatic practitioner, artist & doula who works on re-membering embodied experiences of awe, connection, miracles & care. Their work blooms at the intersection of Black interiority, somatic memory and queer intimacies."

Newsletter: https://substack.com/@eroticsofliberation?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=29eimx

Website : https://www.eroticsofliberation.com/

Dr Raquel Martin : https://www.raquelmartinphd.com/

Toni Jones, Energy Budget , "people pleasing is not love, it's fear" 

https://youtu.be/2OB-6V0_QZ8?si=cAoVDt8zte4u-ke6

Thanks for listening, 

Tolu & Gitika 

You can reach us at kinnected.squarespace.com

Tolu is the Founder of Re-member Counseling & Gitika is the Founder of Pranh Healing & Wellness 

Transcript

Welcome And Weekly Grounding

Gitika 0:20

Alright. Welcome everyone. Welcome to episode three of the Connected Podcast. We are your hosts, Tholu and Giteka. So hi Tholu. Hi Giteka. How are you doing this morning?

Tolu 0:39

I am doing well. I'm feeling energized for a new week. Surprisingly, I'm excited and what's to come. So yeah, I'm well. I have some energy.

Why Mondays Need An Anchor

Gitika 0:53

What about you? Yeah, I am usually a little disoriented on Mondays, but that's why I love talking to you on Mondays and recording this podcast because it gives me some kind of an anchor as the week begins. So I am traveling this week. So I am not, I'm literally not anchored at home base. So I know I'm a little disoriented, but I'm feeling a little more grounded now that we've connected and I have just this one screen to look at and not thirty things. So yes. It's a process of grounding. Yeah. I'm wondering what we were going to talk about today, and I quickly looked up our notes, and we were really just talking about setting limits in relationships while acknowledging our interdependence. Because I think after we spoke last week, we were talking more about what do boundaries really look like. And boundaries have such a I don't know. I don't know. How do you feel about the word boundaries?

Tolu 2:00

Boundaries feel like a polarizing word. It depends on the context in which your understanding of boundaries is shaped in.

Gitika 2:12

Yeah.

Why The Word Boundaries Stings

Tolu 2:13

Um boundaries, if you think about boundaries from a biological sense, they keep things in and they keep things out. We think about just from a very just basic understanding of boundaries, not the emotional, mental health context, but from just understanding of boundaries. Literally our how we live within boundaries, right? Our body's a boundary, right? Our skin is a boundary. It keeps in our organs, it keeps in the things that keep us alive and it keeps out certain things, right? Our home is a boundary, right? We go home, it's within these four walls, four walls, right? That's a boundary, right? Our our bedrooms are boundaries, our rooms are boundaries. So we're constantly navigating and sifting through or passing through different boundaries, if you think about it. But that's what's kind of coming up for me when I kind of dumb it down. Boundaries are in everything and everywhere and everything. What about you?

When Boundaries Get Weaponized

Gitika 3:12

Yeah, I think I'm very I was gonna say vigilant, but I think yes, part of it is vigilant. I'm very vigilant about how the word boundary is being used whenever it's introduced into a conversation. And I've noticed, so I use this transcribing software that helps me do my mental health documentation work. And sometimes it summarizes my work and says I was teaching someone about boundaries, and it used to always make me uncomfortable that it perceived my work as in the summary of it, my work was being perceived as boundaries work. And I think on one hand, it feels great that somewhere people are benefiting from the work, like genuine relational care that does not involve erasing their needs, suppressing their needs, and also does not just surrender to people mistreating them. And at the same time, sometimes because the word boundaries has been, I feel like it gets weaponized to refuse to do relational work. So again, you know, I do want to clarify, I distinguish between conflict and abuse. I want to thank a teacher whose newsletter I receive. I am going to have to pull up their name really soon so that I can credit them for their work. But they speak about distinguishing between conflict and abuse. So conflict is yes, it's it's a relationship between equals. It could also be a relationship with people who might have different power power levels and all of that, but you're working through something. Well, abuse is an absolute misuse of power, it's coercion, it's it's it's not good for anybody's health. So sometimes I've noticed that when there is conflict between equals and boundaries are asserted with a refusal to do conflict resolution work, I end up finding that antithetical to interdependence. So I sometimes feel cautious about how the word boundary is being used. And so I think when you named it so spot on, right, that boundaries is a polarizing word. I realize some of it is coming from my desire for nuance as we hold boundaries and limits, really. Recognizing the limits of our bodies, our energies, our attention, and acknowledging those limits and inviting folks to honor those limits with us while we do the same for others. So I think that's where I'm really wrestling with the concept of boundaries. Yeah.

Tolu 6:18

Boundaries are definitely can be polarizing and it can be what used as a weapon as a tool, right? To enforce something. And I love how Dr. Raquel Martin, she had she's a famous psychologist on black psychologist on Instagram. She had a really cool post about differentiating between in this post. She was, you know, how sometimes they'll take someone's content and critique it, they're put their own their merger. So she was doing what this other creator and this creator was talking about, their preferences when it comes to dating. And she was like, that's a boundary, that's about that's an expectation, that's a standard, that's a rule. And I think people often will tingle up or will get collude boundaries with expectations, standards, rules. Boundaries about controlling other people. Boundaries are about how do I take responsibility for myself in response to the situation or context. So a boundary is about how I will respond, right? If something happens. So boundaries, if you call me at eight, I don't pick up calls after 6 p.m. Right. Example, right? So it's not about controlling someone. This is what I would do in response to your actions, right? That's a boundary. And then she talks about a rule. A rule is about controlling someone. You can't call me after 6 p.m. A lot of people will confuse rules and boundaries. Boundaries aren't about other people. Boundaries are about how will I, how will I respond in response to your actions towards me. Right. And then she talks about expectations. Well, I expect people to be ready by 6 p.m. when I come to pick them up for a date. That's a that's an expectation. That's an unsaid, because that's something you're saying to yourself. You actually haven't communicated that to the other party. That's an expectation. Then the standard, right? And I think this is a lot of type of people I choose to surround myself with, right? I'm gonna surround myself with this standard of people, right? So I think often people will confuse those other aspects of how they show up in the world and confuse that with boundaries. So that that brought a lot of clarity for me in how I talk to my clients about boundaries because boundaries are about how you will show up in a space and about another what you want the other person to do for you. That makes sense. Yeah.

Gitika 8:51

Yeah, I like that. I really like that that boundaries aren't about telling other people what to do as much as it's acknowledging how you will respond. So people have a choice, and you have a choice, and we are naming it and finding yeah, ways to actually meet each other where we are. And I really appreciate that. And the person who I was I was forgetting the name of, and now I remember, they have a newsletter called The Erotics of Liberation, and they are the ones who inspired my thought process around the difference between conflict and abuse. So, which is why boundaries are not about, you know, the conversation about conflict. Also, we have to distinguish between conflict and abuse. And then when we are talking about boundaries, we need to also recognize what we're saying about whether we're talking about conflicts or we're talking about abuse. So, yes, the newsletter is called the Erotics of Liberation, and I'm gonna drop it in the show notes below so that folks can follow along, this amazing writer who talks quite a bit about relationships as well. Yeah, and we do that with Dr. Raquel Martin as well.

Boundary Versus Rule Versus Expectation

Tolu 10:03

We love to cite people over here, okay? We do take their content and we spin it and make it our own, right? So I always want to point to the point to the source. And then also too, thinking about what you were bringing to when it comes to the interdependence of boundaries, right? I don't think interdependence can exist without boundaries in a sense. It's kind of a dance, right? Because if there isn't boundaries, right, it can or it's some type of structure that maintains the integrity of the person, it becomes extractive, I almost feel like it could become extractive. All right. So interdependence, how can I show up for my community but still honor myself, right? And it's a lot of discernment, a lot of wisdom that comes with that, a lot of understanding your nervous system and how it responds to other people, to other beings, right? And navigating that space. So I it's I don't I don't ever want to reduce boundaries, right? I think it it depends on the relationship too, because you can have boundaries and the other person or the other party just doesn't respect the boundary still. And yes, people say you need to repeat your boundaries because people don't remember them the first time or the first few times, right? But also to what are the limitations of okay, you've repeated this boundary, you've been very clear, you've been very direct, this other party is not interested in actually receiving your boundary or acknowledging your boundary, what happens next, right? And I think there also people get a little tripped up because okay, I've stated this boundary, I've done it, but they're not respecting it, right? And that makes me curious, okay, then tell me about the value of that relationship in your life. If that person can't honor that boundary, because that person has to only, in order for boundaries to work, the other person has to respect your boundary, right? And I think a lot of people are find themselves in relationships where the boundary isn't being respected, they still feel attached, but they don't want to let go of the relationship even though they know that person isn't respecting them. Yeah, so I'll stop there. What's coming up for you, Vitika?

Gitika 12:12

How different cultures, how different cultures define boundaries, and we don't call them boundaries, but there are different ways in which some things are acknowledged. You can do this, you can do, you cannot do this other thing. I expect this from you, or that I yeah, I'm gonna expect something from myself. I'm thinking about my own culture. I'm a South Asian person, and there are ways in which it's known that okay, if someone is has set aside their morning to do some morning practices, that their mornings are devoted to doing something, it is understood that nobody's going to disturb them at that time. That you're supposed to keep quiet if someone is meditating, so or whatever, you know. So I'm just thinking about these small things or that show respect to your elders in particular ways. And there are these different expectations, and when these expectations are implicitly or explicitly communicated, what happens when those expectations are not met? And then I think how people are going to respond to it. So you were talking about the difference between boundaries and expectations. So how those folks are actually going to respond when an expectation is not met might depend again on culture. And wondering about how people can make room for their own needs and expectations and yeah, how how you can hold on to some I don't know whether it's holding on to cultural values or making room for how your needs and expectations are being influenced by culture as well. And if there is a cultural mismatch sometimes happening, because different generations and different members of the family acculturate to different influences in different ways. So, how do we even make room for our unique needs and expectations when there might be some cultural scripts at play?

Interdependence Needs Real Limits

Tolu 14:33

I think what comes up for me is making space for disappointment and grief because we don't want to abandon the self, but we also want to honor the community, the culture, right? And knowing that it's almost it's almost like a choose your heart. I don't want to say act perform just to please right, community, family, whoever, culture, right? But also to it's very terrifying to be, you know what, I actually have different values around this, or that's something that I can't participate in anymore, and know that there is a consequence of feeling the disappointment, feeling the shame coming up, or whatever it is that you're not gonna navigate when you decide to step outside of the norm. There it's it's it's very delicate, I feel like there is no the the there's always gonna be there's gonna be some type of crack, right? Or some type of break there that can be hidden or can be visible, right? The visible is I'm gonna step out and actually say I don't, this doesn't really serve. This isn't in alignment with me where I'm at in my life anymore, right? Versus the invisible of I'm just performing so that I don't ruffle any feathers. Is that making sense what I'm saying?

Gitika 16:06

Yes, yes. In fact, I think this whole idea of performing so I don't ruffle any feathers reminds me of people pleasing, right? Or the font response, which is at the heart of interfere-based response, right? And when do we confuse compliance and respect? And you know, there's this amazing song. Again, it's going to get linked in the show notes. It's called Energy Budget by Tony Jones, who was a mental health person and is also a musician, and I think they make a lot of music now. So we'll link the song in the show notes, but she has this line in that song in the song Energy Budget. She has this line, people pleasing is not love, it's fear. And I think there are times in which this deference for culture, so to speak, culture, is at the heart of it. An attempt at people pleasing. And I'm wondering also whether there is room to explore showing love in a variety of ways, and knowing that you can express love without engaging in self-abandonment and compliance. So maybe somewhere, you know, given this fear that I sometimes have about disrespecting culture, I realized so many times in my own life and in the life of cousins and friends and siblings, that people have done things that might not be considered very typical in our culture, but the amount of love they still had for the family never felt lost. So I think somewhere I started realizing that maybe we need to value love more than we value the idea of what culture is supposed to look like. Because if there isn't love, then what point is there, you know? So it's really making me think about culture cannot perhaps cannot be this rigid idea that never changes. Culture is malleable and it needs to adapt to the the needs of every subsequent generation, plus it needs to continue to center values that are generative. Like I think love is such an important value. So yeah, yeah.

Tolu 18:43

That's that's so good, good to get, yeah. I think often we can uh pedestalise culture over values because if the culture doesn't have values that are integrity, honesty, love, support, you know, generative values, right, then the foundation isn't solid, right? It's not right, it it's probably gonna lean more towards a culture that is opposite of those values, right? So it's really important, right, at the end of the day, do the the those are those values present in that culture in the first place, right? So I think you bring up a really good part because I think a really really good point when it comes to culture is important, yes, but also to what are the values within that culture, yeah.

Gitika 19:35

Yeah. So that's yeah, it's interesting, right?

Culture Shapes What Respect Means

Tolu 19:40

Because culture is is human-made, you know, it's evolving and it's evolving, it's evolving, it's evolving, it's changing because we need uh evolution and evolving is it's important for survival of a species, right? We need to evolve because our environment's evolving, it's always changing, it's always we need to be adaptable, we need to be flexible, right? And that's hard though, when you've been so used to something for so long, we're not really gonna change as human beings sometimes. So another are you are you flexibility, adaptability, right? Can we can we be flexible? Can we be adaptable?

Gitika 20:27

Absolutely, absolutely, and maybe this is something that we'll continue to talk about over time. How do we continue to be water in some way? Fluid, generative, capable of many different forms, while its essence remains water. So, how do we stay true to who we are while continuing to make room for each other without harm. Without harm. Yeah, so I think that's probably going to be this ongoing conversation. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As we prepare to close, I'm just wondering if there's anything like we really want to close with, anything that comes to mind.

Tolu 21:16

I love talking about values. Yeah, because I think they're such a north star and they really help us navigate the world, right? My when I talk in my in my therapy practice, I talk about my main three values in in my consult. And then even I even remind them in my first session, right? Compassion, collaboration, curiosity, right? And those are my north stars in my work, not only in my professional, but my personal life as well, too. And I would want to challenge folks who are listening to this podcast. What values can I you identify that you hold that are generative values? That's what's coming up for me. Yeah. What are your what are your three generative values that you can identify? If not, maybe that's the opportunity to explore that.

People Pleasing Is Not Love

Gitika 22:02

Yeah. Yeah. I think the values that I live by, and I think for me, they are how am I centering love? So it's not one value, but I think it's a question that I often ask myself. How am I centering love and relationship as I do this? Because I experience a lot of range of feelings, including rage, about a lot of things you know going on in the world. And it has been a very important meditation practice for me. How do I bring love into that experience still? So, how do I center what I love instead of centering the thing that enrages me? So am I centering even in that rage? What the love for who is really you know dominating or influencing the rage. So I noticed how is love playing a role in this right now. So I think that's one thing that is coming up for me as we wrap up today. That for me, boundaries, relationship, they're all about centering love in some shape or form.

Tolu 23:18

So yeah, yes. That's very how can I bring think about love in this moment, center that. Yeah.

Gitika 23:25

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for sharing yours as well. Yeah, I guess we're ready to close there. So, folks, please like, subscribe, and share this podcast wherever you're listening and in whichever webs of relationship you're in. We would love to hear from you and share this podcast in your circles.

Tolu 23:51

Yes. Until next time.

Gitika 23:53

Bye y'all.

unknown 23:55

Bye.