What If Rest Is A Relationship You Practice

We explore how relationship, rest, and even play become the real infrastructure for sustainable care work. 

• the energetic difference between employee life and entrepreneurship
•  survival mode, fluctuating income, and learning new systems
•  building a practice through relationship, referrals, and consultation
• shifting from transactional networking to care-based net-weaving
• micro moments of rest through slowing down and orienting
• reconnecting with the elements by noticing sun, trees, and sky
• what ancestors might want for us: outside time, joy, dance, play, and whimsy

please follow along, subscribe to our podcast wherever you're listening, and feel free to get in touch with us. Our contact info is in the show notes. + Check out our website! You can even sign up to be in the loop about any gatherings that we organize in the future.

Thanks for listening, 

Tolu & Gitika 

You can reach us at kinnected.squarespace.com

Tolu is the Founder of Re-member Counseling & Gitika is the Founder of Pranh Healing & Wellness 

Transcript

Tolu 0:22

All right. Hi, Tholu.

Gitika 0:26

Hi, Gitika.

Tolu 0:28

So, welcome everyone to the second episode of Connected, the podcast that centers collective care and relationships that will outlast Empire. We are your hosts,

The Humble Reality Of Going Solo

Gitika 0:40

Gitika and Tolu, two licensed mental health professionals in the so-called United States. Yes. I was thinking today, I was probably just going to interview Tholu a little bit so we can talk more about this podcast because so much of it was inspired by you, Tolu, and I think just your energy. Because I was still coming from such an exhausted place somewhere in my life and career, and there was just so much energy enthusiasm that you brought into the room that it felt really medicinal. And I just wonder about where are you in the energetic versus exhausted space today as we record episode two.

Tolu 1:35

Yes. How are you? Where are you? Oh yeah. I am figuring that out right now. If I say that, I've been feeling very humbled. I am fully diving in to fully private practice. And when people ask me, How have you been? How has things been going? And I'm just like, I feel like I'm it's very humbling. I'm being humbled right now. And there's just something different about having or being a W-2 employee versus being a 1099. And it's just it's there's something different about it energetically. And definitely can put you in a little bit of a survival mode because you kind of, you know, each week is, you know, fluctuates as a variable, right? Whereas W-2 kind of just go and you work and you don't really think about it. Like sitting in like it's really unfamiliar, right? The season I'm in, navigating, sustaining myself, right? It's liberating as well too to like be able to have my own schedule and not have to get up at like 5 30 a.m. every day to go to work. So I have been feeling a little mixture of both, just the exhaustion of having to creatively kind of think on my feet and think about how I can serve my clients better, how can I stay on top of this, stay on top of that. You are like everything to everyone within your own company, but it's just you. So you're like wearing different hats. So I think that part has been exhausting, but more unfamiliar. I just know I don't have the systems for it yet. So it does feel like really taxing, but I know I won't feel this way forever. So yeah, it's like it's an exciting exhaustion because there's so much potential there and so much untapped like, ooh, what can I experience? How can I develop? Entrepreneurship is probably one of the best ways to learn about yourself and grow. So I'm definitely on the journey. I'm figuring it out. I feel like I'm kind of in the middle. I'm feeling very humbled, like I'm excited, but I'm like, okay, this is a lot. This is a lot of capacity that I, you know, I'm slowly creating. So I hope that answers the question. Your question.

Building Relationships In Your Ecosystem

Gitika 3:51

Oh yeah. No, absolutely. Because I was also just thinking about, you know, this W-2 versus 1099. And just for listeners who may not be familiar with these tax-related terms that are very US tax specific, W-2 really means you're an employee and you're getting paycheck on a regular basis, and taxes are just being cut out. And 1099 really means that you are working for you're working an hourly or you're working on a contract and you get paid a variable amount based on how much you work. So, as private practice owners, Tolu and I, we are learning uh the unique exhaustions and freedoms of being uh people who don't have to depend on an organization for a salary or a paycheck. But we are, you know, the people we are our own bosses and we are our own employees, which is a lot of responsibility and potential for exhaustion because you're wearing so many different hats. Yes. Yeah. What do you do to build relationship then when you are really in an ecosystem of your own? How do you foster relationship?

Tolu 5:23

I'm building my practice, right? Because relationships are what opens up the door to opportunities, referrals, just new things. Like this is a relationship that's been cultivated. And look, we're here manifesting this thing that we've been talking about for months now on this podcast, right? So I'm realizing I can't do this work without being in a relationship with other people. It's so integral, it's so foundational, and it's silly to think that I can build on my own. Sure, I could, but that would take me much more longer. You go much more further when there's more people around you supporting you and know about, okay, where are your holds? What do you need? How can I support you versus like trying to figure it out by yourself? So it's really forced, not encouraged me, nothing really forced me, but encouraged me to really lean into that interdependency and realizing like, yes, I may need to outsource this, or I may need to like ask this person for their perspective, or I need a consult on this, or what's your perspective on that, right? How do you navigate this type of client? Right. So like this work is super, super relational. Even the like the business side of it started being like therapy, it's therapeutic, it's relational in nature. Even the like other side of the business is very relational as well. Too, if you want to be successful, if you want to be an ethical therapist, you have to be in relationship. So that's really been like really loud to me in this season that I'm in right now.

Net Weaving Instead Of Networking

Micro Rest For Survival Mode Days

Gitika 6:51

That makes a lot of sense because we were at a workshop the other day talking about net we wing, we wing. So still note a lot of us who learned English as a second language were not necessarily taught the nuance between how you pronounce W and V. So net weaving really messes me up. So I hope you understand, listeners, as I say, net networking and net weaving. I don't know if I got the pronunciations right, but uh thank you for following me on this detour. But coming back to what we were speaking about, I think the the language of networking has been so focused on transaction. And if I give you this, what can you give me? And how can I use you to further my goals? And I also understand that you will use me to further your goals, and I love this conceptualization of net weaving that actually did come from our common friend Nicole, who would introduce us in the first place, Nicole from Shelterwood Collective. Shout out right there. But we were speaking about net weaving and how this whole idea of relational web systems, where we are recognizing that we are all part of this ecosystem and we all have a role to play, and we need each other in a in a an act of care, not extraction, not transaction, but with the desire to go further along, but travel together, and I think that's like ancient wisdom, also that if you want to go fast, travel alone, but if you want to go far, you know, travel together. So this whole idea of actually coming together and doing things while recognizing we need each other, not we want each other, not that we are always leveraging each other and but that we actually need each other and we rely on each other, yeah. I also wonder how you make room for rest. How can rest and relationship still go together? Like, what have you noticed? Because there are a few things coming to mind, but I'm wondering like, how do you make time for rest and relationship?

Tolu 9:36

Slowing down, right? I think there's just so much activation going on. You pick up our phones, there's just something new is always happening that's really activating, triggering the work is consuming, right? And there's a lot being asked of us all at one time. Yeah, and sometimes I'm just like just put the phone down, I'm gonna go on a walk. Right? I'm gonna go on a walk. I'm not gonna have my phone on me. I'm just gonna be with my environment. What can I orient to that feels stable, that feels solid, that feels grounding, right? So something as simple as like slowing down can look like going on a walk in between sessions, maybe if I have a gap, which is rare. I'll go on a walk if I can, right? Also to just like feeling the chair support me. Like what is it like to feel yourself sitting in a chair, right? Feeling how it touches my back, how it touches my sit bones. Can I notice my feet on the floor? Because really, like we all it's really kind of hard to find big pockets of rest, right? Let's be honest. But I think it's actually really important to find those micro moments of rest and like really being in your body and just like noticing the trees outside of the window and noticing I'm like, oh wow, spring's here. Like there wasn't any leaves on that tree yesterday or a week ago, and now it's like the green buds are starting to so noticing, right? I think noticing can be a form of rest because when we're in that survival mode, we don't have time to like be curious, open to what's around us. But I really feel like if we're able to orient and just notice, like, oh, that tree is blossoming. Oh, the sun is out, it's really warm temperature. Oh, I love to feel the sun of, I love to feel the sun on my skin. I love to feel that just that warmth, that support. The sun has been here for uh has outlooked the sun is ancestor, essentially. It was here before us and it will be here after us, right? So just like something solid like that. Like the sun is always there, right? So to me, that like I feel really supported by that. And I feel like I can rest in the sun's embrace. Also, to spending time with loved ones as well, too, that are really grounding for me. Are you spending time with my family? I'm really close with them. It's it's just like those things that are resources to me that help me feel like rested in a way. So it's yes, I'm doing something, but it's in a place where I'm not like cognitively engaging tedious or wrestling with something or sitting with a client, but more of a like, like really breathe, take the brawl off, just like what's up, guys? Like that's a form of rest to me, too.

Ancestors Ask Us To Play

The Sky As A Colleague

Gitika 12:40

So yeah, yeah, that active forms of rest that they're not about doing, they are about letting your body be. Yeah, letting your body also just be in space where the sun, the trees, the sky can be there, and reminded so much of when back in March 2020, when the shutdown for due to COVID first started, they started noticing how our focus on the screen was making our eyes constrict so much, and we were without meaning to mimicking some impacts of concussions, like our everything was constricting so much, and there was just so much tightness taking place, and we were constantly without meaning to giving our body the message that we can only focus on a very, very narrow frame at all times. So allowing the eyes to wander and look at the sky was an invitation to really help the eyes, and then through the eyes, the entire body experience limitlessness, experience expansiveness. And I think after that, my relationship with the sky in particular became very, very it just changed. The sky became my colleague because my colleagues were across the screen, yeah, it was always there, and I could always look up, and it was always there. So somewhere in building that relationship with the elements inside my body, outside my body, but and then of course, loved ones too, being able to experience touch, whether it was a handshake or a hug, yeah. Folks who were living alone and didn't have that. There were all these different ways in which how much we needed each other and connected with each other, very subtle ways of resting. We didn't call it rest, we didn't realize how much we needed it till we lost it. So I think somewhere this true relationship building and resting as a as a practice, I think I become much more mindful about it in recent years. Yeah. I'm also wondering as we you know come towards the end of this episode, if there were things that we could imagine our ancestors would have wanted for us in this moment. We are in this moment in history where as mental health professionals we are sometimes getting these really intimate looks at what's going on with people, yeah, and there are times we zoom out and consume the news from all across the world, and there's so much going on. So our hearts are needing to be really big to hold space for this amount of witnessing. And I wonder as we recognize our relationship with ancestors, what is something you think our ancestors would have wanted for us? Wisdom that they might have for us in this moment.

Tolu 16:32

Yeah, that's a good question. That's a good question. I would feel like the I don't know where this came up, but they want us to go outside more, right? Again, we're so like narrowed and constricted, right? And like go outside, right? Go outside, go interact with your friends, go outside, go play. I'm thinking of like imagery coming up for me of like this younger version of me. My my mom tells me to go outside, like go do something. You've been in front of the TV all day, go outside, right? Have you been outside? Right. And just like going outside is a way to connect, reconnecting and go play because everything is so serious. I don't know if you've seen this social media trend going on. People are saying, be more whimsical, be more whimsy. Right? Like go out go be more playful. Like we need to be able to titrate between the two. I'm not saying that we should be aloof and ignorant in the world. I'm not saying that at all. We need to be informed, yes. But also too, we need to be able to go titrate to the other side of that and be playful, be whimsical, right? So being able to can we have a capacity to move between the both, right? And I feel like the ancestors would be like, what's the last time you danced? The last time you laughed, right? Right. Because joy is what sustains the work too, right? It's not all seriousness, right? We need that joy, right? We need that whimsie, we need that play. Yeah, so they would say, Yeah, go play.

Gitika 18:14

Yes, so I am reminded of my grandfather who was freedom fighter in the Indian freedom struggle. So he, you know, fought the British, and he was also a rose gardener. He would, you know, garden, and his specialty was roses. I didn't know this about him till like two years ago. Oh wow. So I think as you said that, I'm reminded of how maybe our ancestors didn't necessarily put this into words, yeah, but they they were involved in their lives in different ways, and there is room to touch the earth and look up at the sky. Both things can be true. There is sunset and sunrise, there is fire and there's snow, and then I think there's pain, and then there is joy as well. And how do we actually make room for the multitudes? So I'm reminded of my grandfather and how he was a rose gardener. And maybe that is some message for us today that you could be, you we need to be you know witnessing and making room for energy to keep flowing and not getting stuck in one location because life has to keep moving through us, absolutely, yeah.

Tolu 19:48

Go outside, go outside, literally figuratively harbor you wouldn't. I mean, like go outside and go just be, yes, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gitika 20:00

Yes, and maybe come together with people who help you go outside, yeah, yeah, for sure. So that's it from us today. Thanks everyone for listening, and thanks so much, Tolo, for sharing so generously from your experiences. And uh, we will see you all in a week. Until then, please follow along, subscribe to our podcast wherever you're listening, and feel free to get in touch with us. Our email is in the show notes. Check out our website. You can even sign up to be in the loop about any gatherings that we organize in the future. Bye. Bye.